I know, this seems like something we would've done when we were kids. It's stupid, really, cowardly. I know that but I just want to be able to get everything down once and for all, clarify what needs clarifying and then we can all move on. We can put this behind us and I'll be better. I swear, I'll be better.
Where do I even start?
I never wanted to hurt you. Gods, that's the last thing I'd ever want. I'm sorry that it's exactly what I did. I needed to be away, to have time to think. It hurt, I'm not going to lie. With everything we have between us to find out that you were mooning over Ardyn of all fucking people. Which isn't fair.
I'm glad there's someone out there you care about like that. And, I mean, shit's fucked up with him, I know that much, but the guy I talked to in that dream seemed like he wanted to do the right thing at least. So maybe he's okay, maybe he'll stop being so scared of getting hurt again that he can trust you. I don't know. Things are so much more complicated here but I trust you. If he was what I thought then you'd never care for him.
I'll always support you. No matter what. Even when you don't want me to and don't want me around I'll always be there for you. I'm not gonna pretend I'll sit back and let him hurt you but I'm not going to just fly off the handle. Again.
Fuck I've got a great track record so far, huh?
I guess I just have one request. Don't keep me in the dark? It's been so long, so goddamn long, since you trusted me with the big things, the important things. Which is my fault, I know that. If I kept my head and I didn't react so badly then you'd be able to just tell me things and not have it all blow up like this. I'm sorry. I thought I was doing better.
I guess I just thought I was because I'd been alone for so long. Which sounds pathetic and like I'm looking for pity or something. I'm not. We both had things to do, things that were important. Even if neither one of us could really understand where the other was coming from.
Right. You don't know about any of that and I can't ask you to be honest with me if I'm not willing to do the same so. Here it goes.
The reason we drifted apart wasn't just because you were on a mission and wouldn't hear a word against your tomb raiding. And it wasn't because Prompto and I kept fighting. It's because I couldn't deal. I spent so long looking at the future in this limited time frame of just however long it takes before I die for Noct that I'd never really let myself see anything else. Then suddenly Noct wasn't there. And it wasn't a week or a month or even a year. It just kept going and going and I finally kinda sat back and had a think on what if. What if my future wasn't already determined? What if I could do something about it?
What would I even WANT?
And I came up with one answer, no matter what the future brought, no matter what scenarios I could dream up it all came back to one thing. You. By my side, always. Until the end of days. When darkness swallowed the world and we had nothing left to keep hoping for I was okay with it. I was content.
Because I had you.
Stupid huh? So many years and I never realized, never really let myself acknowledge it. I tried. After that, I tried. To do things for you, to help, to make things a little easier. Shit I stole you away and cooked you dinner once. But it always came back to the work, to Duty. And when I asked if, maybe we hadn't earned a little time to ourselves, and that maybe running ourselves into the ground wasn't going to save any more people any faster...
Well you can imagine how well that went. Explosive argument and accusations and knowing why you did what you did now it makes more sense. But it hurt. Being near you after that hurt. I couldn't just go back to pretending that-
Fuck I can't even write it.
I couldn't pretend I wasn't in love with you anymore. In the end that's why we all split up. It was so selfish, I know that. I should have just dealt with it. My stupid feelings don't have any place in what we do. Noct needed us, the people needed us. And now we're here and I'm screwing it all up again.
I'll be better. I promise. I swear it. I don't want to lose you again, not over this. I'll find a way to make sure it doesn't interfere again. Just, please, give me the chance to prove that to you.
I love you too much to let you walk out of my life again.
I'm sorry. I know this is the last thing you need with everything that's been happening here. Please don't shut me out. Let me help, it's the least I can do. You deserve so much more but please let me do that much.
5/30 - a letter for Iggy
I know, this seems like something we would've done when we were kids. It's stupid, really, cowardly. I know that but I just want to be able to get everything down once and for all, clarify what needs clarifying and then we can all move on. We can put this behind us and I'll be better. I swear, I'll be better.
Where do I even start?
I never wanted to hurt you. Gods, that's the last thing I'd ever want. I'm sorry that it's exactly what I did. I needed to be away, to have time to think. It hurt, I'm not going to lie. With everything we have between us to find out that you were mooning over Ardyn of all fucking people. Which isn't fair.
I'm glad there's someone out there you care about like that. And, I mean, shit's fucked up with him, I know that much, but the guy I talked to in that dream seemed like he wanted to do the right thing at least. So maybe he's okay, maybe he'll stop being so scared of getting hurt again that he can trust you. I don't know. Things are so much more complicated here but I trust you. If he was what I thought then you'd never care for him.
I'll always support you. No matter what. Even when you don't want me to and don't want me around I'll always be there for you. I'm not gonna pretend I'll sit back and let him hurt you but I'm not going to just fly off the handle. Again.
Fuck I've got a great track record so far, huh?
I guess I just have one request. Don't keep me in the dark? It's been so long, so goddamn long, since you trusted me with the big things, the important things. Which is my fault, I know that. If I kept my head and I didn't react so badly then you'd be able to just tell me things and not have it all blow up like this. I'm sorry. I thought I was doing better.
I guess I just thought I was because I'd been alone for so long. Which sounds pathetic and like I'm looking for pity or something. I'm not. We both had things to do, things that were important. Even if neither one of us could really understand where the other was coming from.
Right. You don't know about any of that and I can't ask you to be honest with me if I'm not willing to do the same so. Here it goes.
The reason we drifted apart wasn't just because you were on a mission and wouldn't hear a word against your tomb raiding. And it wasn't because Prompto and I kept fighting. It's because I couldn't deal. I spent so long looking at the future in this limited time frame of just however long it takes before I die for Noct that I'd never really let myself see anything else. Then suddenly Noct wasn't there. And it wasn't a week or a month or even a year. It just kept going and going and I finally kinda sat back and had a think on what if. What if my future wasn't already determined? What if I could do something about it?
What would I even WANT?
And I came up with one answer, no matter what the future brought, no matter what scenarios I could dream up it all came back to one thing. You. By my side, always. Until the end of days. When darkness swallowed the world and we had nothing left to keep hoping for I was okay with it. I was content.
Because I had you.
Stupid huh? So many years and I never realized, never really let myself acknowledge it. I tried. After that, I tried. To do things for you, to help, to make things a little easier. Shit I stole you away and cooked you dinner once. But it always came back to the work, to Duty. And when I asked if, maybe we hadn't earned a little time to ourselves, and that maybe running ourselves into the ground wasn't going to save any more people any faster...
Well you can imagine how well that went. Explosive argument and accusations and knowing why you did what you did now it makes more sense. But it hurt. Being near you after that hurt. I couldn't just go back to pretending that-
Fuck I can't even write it.
I couldn't pretend I wasn't in love with you anymore. In the end that's why we all split up. It was so selfish, I know that. I should have just dealt with it. My stupid feelings don't have any place in what we do. Noct needed us, the people needed us. And now we're here and I'm screwing it all up again.
I'll be better. I promise. I swear it. I don't want to lose you again, not over this. I'll find a way to make sure it doesn't interfere again. Just, please, give me the chance to prove that to you.
I love you too much to let you walk out of my life again.
I'm sorry. I know this is the last thing you need with everything that's been happening here. Please don't shut me out. Let me help, it's the least I can do. You deserve so much more but please let me do that much.
Yours, Always yours.
Gladio