shatteredlenses | LifeAfter Inbox

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This is Ignis. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Storyteller willing, I may actually be able to read messages left for me soon.
...
And, no, your Highness, this doesn't mean I will be too busy to make sure you eat your vegetables.

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[He understands, logically he does. It probably doesn't help that he is such a physically imposing man. But it's been so long since they've had to be worried about other people (except Ardyn) that he's forgotten the level of paranoia that goes along with the political structures.

It's a strange realization that, for how paranoid he can be, it's always situational, environmental. He expects attacks from outside but he's long stopped seeing people as a threat.

He tips his head, pressing his face into Ignis' hand, perhaps a gentle reminder that this is not the same man Ignis is entirely used to.]

I understand... I just don't like it. [A huff and he closes his eyes, relaxes into Ignis' touch, slumps heavily against the wall.]

Ig...? I'm tired. [Exhausted from the blood loss and the crash after so much adrenaline. It was starting to get difficult to keep his eyes open but he knew he had to. At least until he was fully patched up.]

Nor do I. Trust me. He and I will be having words.

[When that may be, Ignis doesn't know, but it will happen. In the meantime, he has a more important task to focus on. He leans forward, pressing a gentle kiss to Gladio's temple and then slowly pulls himself to his feet.]

Just rest for a moment then. I'll be back with the water and the supplies as quickly as I can be.

[Fortunately, he knows right were everything is. Unfortunately, his legs still aren't exactly trustworthy, so he's going to be moving slower than usual in an effort to not fall and worry Gladio more than he already has.]

[He wants to argue, wants to insist that he should be the one to talk to Laurent about all of this. But then Laurent may not be comfortable being anywhere near Gladio now if he really thinks he was going to-

He can't even finish the thought, not that it matters because Iggy's lips settle against his temple and, tired and strained as things have been that alone is nearly enough to make him cry. He melts into that gentle reassurance. No matter how worried he is for Ignis he's fighting a losing battle against his rebellious body. Tired and cold and his head is pounding with the aftermath of the endorphins and his own dehydration.

He ends up dozing, drifting in and out, startling himself awake every few breaths though it feels like a lifetime. It's only been a few moments, not that he can really tell when he lifts his hand, reaching out in the general direction Ignis had disappeared to.]

Iggy?

Shh, love. I'm right here. Just give me a moment more.

[The endearment slips out unconsciously, like they so often do when someone he cares for is hurt or upset, and Gladio is obviously both right now. While the Shield drifted, Ignis had stepped outside to get one of the containers that held their drinking water. Considering the last thing he wanted to do was leave Gladio alone for long, he was grateful to find it in the same place he remembered it being. Once he returned, he'd set it next to their best 'cup' and then moved to get the pouch with his medical supplies in it.

His fingers are moving over the items in said pouch when Gladio speaks, but considering how upset he sounds, Ignis decides to finish sorting once he's returned to the Shield's side. He moves the water, cup, and pouch over next to Gladio and then settles in front of him once more, catching a hold of his hand and pressing a kiss to the back of it.]

Some water to drink first. I suspect you need it.

[Without waiting for a response, he pours some water into the cup and then wraps Gladio's hands around it.]

Here. Can you keep a hold of it?

[It doesn't really matter what Ignis says, just the soothing cadence of his words ease some of the fear. The pet name is something that barely registers, a burst of something warm in his chest and a soft hum of appreciation. A sound that's repeated when Ignis takes his hand and kisses his knuckles and all he wants to do is wrap himself around his friend and pretend none of this happened.

But then Ignis is pressing something into his hands and he blinks at him for a long moment, confused and having trouble tracking. Water? Right... yes... drinking.

It takes a little bit of squirming to be upright enough to drink comfortably, each movement sending fresh lances of pain through his body. He has to take a moment to catch his breath before he can take a drink. A small sip at first, then a larger one. He shouldn't chug it and he knows that but what stops him is the way tilting his head back makes the world tilt unsteadily.]

shit... [Soft and his voice wavers just as much as the world is.] Mmm... got the water just- oh... just dizzy.

I sure did. Yurika decided it was a good idea, but, uh... It definitely wasn't.

[ He chuckles lightly. It wasn't all bad, truly, but he's here for a different reason. He regards Ignis with a look his advisor can't see, and it's thoughtful. A little unsure. ]

I actually had a reason for wanting to talk to you. Might get a little heavy, so if you don't want to tell me anything at any time, just let me know.

Well, that certainly sounds ominous.

[Though his voice is slightly amused, as Ignis speaks, something tightens in his chest. There are a million 'heavy' things Noctis could want to talk to him about, and that fact makes Ignis sad on top of being worried. He doesn't like how many secrets hang in the air between them now.

Carefully, he pulls the pan from the fire and covers it with a makeshift lid. This batch actually seems promising and he doesn't want it to burn when he is inevitably distracted from cooking by their topic of discussion.]

All right, Noct. What is it you want to know?

[ Two things, actually, stand out in particular. Noct's quiet for a little while longer before he looks at Ignis. Maybe he can hear the soft exhale from Noct's direction. ]

What's going on between you and Ardyn?

[Ignis swallows hard as the tightness in his chest suddenly becomes a stabbing pain. Obviously, he knew this was going to come up at some point. He just wasn't expecting that point to be so soon.

He bows his head slightly, hands folding together and settling in his lap so he keeps them still.]

That seems a strange question coming from you. Did he tell you there was something between us?

[The question is evasive and he hates that it is, but he's trying to regain at least a little footing here and the politician in him will allow no less, even when speaking with Noctis.]

You could say that, yeah.

[ His own reply is hesitant, cautious. ]

In that one place--the one that felt like a dream, he told me something along the lines of "someone admitting to falling for their sworn liege's immortal enemy." I assumed he was talking about you.

I wanted to talk to you about it, since I trust you way more than him. And I know you more than well enough, Ignis, to know that there's a story behind this that Ardyn would never tell me.

[Immediately, the strategist in Ignis sees the out here. There are so many ways he can spin the 'truth' and it willl be his side of the tale that Noctis believes. It would just mean using the skills he spent his whole life learning against the king he was meant to use them to protect.

His hands tighten their grip on each other as he thinks, not about if he will or won't lie, but about how to tell the truth. Honestly, despite the momentary thought, he would never lie to Noctis, never twist the truth to make himself look better. That's a line he cannot cross.

Eventually, he takes a deep breath, straightening his posture as if he is preparing himself to face a lecture, or at least, a great deal of pain.]

There is a nine month long story that Ardyn will never tell you. One that starts with a man desperate to find a way to save his childhood friend's life and ends with that same man finding the remains of a lost healer and foolishly giving part of his heart to him.

[ It's a short answer, not as long as it possibly should be... but it tells Noctis enough. He's quiet, thinking about his and Ardyn's time with the Network. He remembers watching Ardyn's season, watching him go from kind, noble healer to the Accursed, and not sure how to deal with it. He remembers being so unsure of Ardyn... and then being sure that Ardyn, even if he'd done terrible things, and had never expected forgiveness, wanted to be...

better.

And Noctis finds himself missing the Ardyn he'd spent close to a year with. ]

I believe you. [ He does, truly, not just because he knows Ignis would not lie to him. He closes the distance and sets a hand on his friend's shoulder. He squeezes lightly, and Noctis remembers their reunion, how he'd done the same in the darkness of Eos. ] Because I saw it myself. I saw the person Ardyn used to be, before he was burned and buried under the very thing he healed from so many people.

My next question is about how you saw that part of him, though.

[As much as he tries to hold it back, a shuddered breath slips from Ignis mouth when he hears Noctis' reply. He leans into that touch, shutting his right eye for several moments as he lets the bone deep relief run though him. Deep down, there was part of him that was certain Noctis would lash out at him. That this would be the thing to drive them apart for good.]

I'm not the only one...

[He doesn't mean to say it out loud, but his relief sees that it happens anyway. It feels like so much weight has lifted from Ignis' shoulders. He's not the only one that knows for certain now. He's not carrying this alone anymore.

It shouldn't feel as good as it does, he knows this, but for right now, he doesn't let himself care.]

I caught a glimpse during one of the early story telling sessions. ...Scientia vincere tenebras. is what he said as if it were some kind of prayer he didn't want anyone else to hear. We clashed a lot in those early days simply because of who we are and the fact I felt someone had to keep an eye on him even with the truce in place. He claimed it merely a taunt later, of course, but then he saved my life and I knew there was more to it than that.

[ It's the tiny, shuddered exhale of breath that really gets him. Noctis pulls Ignis into his arms, and he holds him. He focuses on breathing, in the hopes that Ignis will match, to keep him calm in case he breaks. ]

He saved your life?

[ He doesn't pull away, but he sounds so surprised. ]

Even with the scourge, he saved you. That's... something else.

[ Hints of the kind and noble king, pushing to the surface. ]

He's saved my life twice, in fact. The first time at the cost of his own, though he will claim it only a misjudgment on his part.

[Ignis relaxes into the embrace, his breathing easily matching Noctis' after just a few inhales and exhales. There's no breaking this time. He's done that enough in his king's presence to last a lifetime now.]

The second time is when I really saw the Healer-King for the first time. The island of Monsun was ruled over by a deity of balance. One side of the island pulled out our worst traits and the other side pulled out our best. We made a camp on that second side and he spent most of his time there preferring to die than leave and allow the Chancellor to return.

[They'd forced him eventually, and Ignis will not easily forget the day he had sat with the Healer-King and they had said goodbye not knowing if they would ever see each other again.]

Since then, he has also safeguarded me twice. Once, I'm not even sure he was conscious of. He just placed himself between me and danger without even giving me a chance to object.

... Sounds about right.

[ Noctis keeps on holding Ignis, because Ignis has always been there--he's always been steady, a rock anchoring Noctis to the world. He can do that for Ignis, now. It's the very least he could do. ]

For someone so old, he can be a real idiot sometimes. Doesn't even realize when he's doing something good, because that's who he was before he became the Accursed. It's like that part of himself keeps clawing its way to the surface, even if he refuses to acknowledge it.

[ Noctis lets out a quiet huff, equal parts exasperated and... well. Affectionate. ]

What was the second time?

[Ignis can't help but chuckle at that.]

He is the oldest fool I know.

[There is both exasperation and deep fondness in that statement as Ignis slowly starts feeling more comfortable showing his true feelings for Ardyn. He takes a deep breath and then gently pulls away from Noctis, giving his friend's shoulder a squeeze in thanks as he goes.]

As I hinted at with Monsun, islands sometimes come and go here. One that appeared was called Ai'tuoh. It had a great deal of very strict and almost nonsensical laws. Those who broke those laws either on purpose or accidentally were to be 'Cleansed in the Standing Water.'

[The way he says that makes it very clear that this was not a good thing.]

Before we knew it, a very large number of our fellows were captive. We eventually organized a rescue, but it happened at the same time the cleansing did and anyone who fell into the Water became one more who had to be rescued...if there was time. There were only a few left to fight off the militia, he and I primarily, and I was fighting with my back to the water, moving quickly in an unfamiliar area. It's only because of him that I didn't end up in the Water as well.

[It's a shame that Gladio won't remember the endearment. He's the only one Ignis has called it--all others being 'dear' or 'darling' if they don't have nicknames of their own--and it would perhaps put to rest some of his worries.

Life is rarely so easy, though.]

I'm not surprised. You've lost far too much blood for my liking and you're probably in shock. Just focus on drinking that water. Go as slowly as you need to.

[As he speaks, Ignis pulls free a container he keeps with the medical kit and pours some of the water into it. He drops a small square of cloth into it and then uses a little more to wash his own hands once his other glove has been removed.]

I'll try my best to be gentle. Please accept my apologies in advance.

[Ignis sets to work cleaning what's left of Gladio's wound then, working as quickly and careful as possible. The sooner he has it bandaged, the better.

He just hopes that Gladio is too out of it to notice how much his hands are shaking.]

[He's still drinking, slow and steady, when that first bit of water touches the wound. It's all he can do to stop himself from spluttering it all out and his head slams back against the wall as he tenses. It takes him a moment to swallow, to remember how to breathe. His next breath growls out between clenched teeth and he slams his free hand into the floor in a tight fist.]

Fuck! [Adrenaline spikes higher with the fresh wave of pain and he has a moment of clarity, a moment where he does, in fact, notice how badly Iggy's shaking. But he's no steadier and when he finally lifts his head to look down at the wound he grimaces.]

No stitches... should pack it, though. Till the deeper parts heal, so it can drain. [Which is gonna hurt like a bitch. ]

Gladio!

[The strength of the Shield's reaction catches Ignis by surprise. He'd hoped that his friend's exhausted state might dull the pain a little. Of course, it couldn't be that easy.

Adrenaline does a lot to push back exhaustion and clear the mind, even if it does leave it all the fuzzier once it's run its course. Still, Ignis is glad that the shock clears his mind enough that he draws his hands straight back away from the wound instead of jolting into it and causing Gladio more pain.

Carefully, he sets aside the cloth and the bowl, bring a damp hand up to cradle the side of Gladio's face.]

Easy. I'll be quite cross with you if you give yourself a concussion on top of this.

[His thumb rubs gently over the Shield's cheek, movements slightly unsteady as the short burst of adrenaline starts to fade already.]

There is enough healing magic in the bandages that neither stitching or packing will be needed. Just be strong for me a little bit longer.

[There's a small delirious part of him that almost lets foolish words tumble free. "Anything for you." Maybe an "Always" or some other sentiment that he can't let go of. Focusing on stopping those words takes up what little bit of clarity he had regained from the shock of pain. Instead all that comes out is a soft, mumble.]

Ah-huh [Meant to be an affirmative but perhaps to garbled for even that. What he does do, before he even realizes what he's doing, is turn his face into Ignis' hand, pressing into that comforting touch like a cat, tipping his head just enough to press a feather light kiss to his palm.]

[Though it shouldn't in such a serious situation, the mumbled assent and light kiss bring a smile to Ignis' face. There's something so innocent and open to it, things that Ignis is very unused to seeing expressed by Gladio.

Unconsciously, his thumb moves to trace lightly over the man's lips.]

I need to get back to work or we'll be here all day. Be good for me.

[Ignis pulls his hand away then, so he can return to cleaning and bandaging Gladio's wound. However, before he goes, he does pause to press a gentle kiss to the corner of the Shield's mouth.]

[This time it does slip out, the words, the kiss, it's too much and he's so very tired.]

Always...

[Be here for him, be good for him, be whatever Iggy needs. Always.

And before he's even done bandaging Gladio is drifting, barely aware of what's going on and mostly asleep. He'll move if prodded but getting a coherent response out of him isn't going to happen for hours yet.]

Hey Iggy,

I know, this seems like something we would've done when we were kids. It's stupid, really, cowardly. I know that but I just want to be able to get everything down once and for all, clarify what needs clarifying and then we can all move on. We can put this behind us and I'll be better. I swear, I'll be better.

Where do I even start?

I never wanted to hurt you. Gods, that's the last thing I'd ever want. I'm sorry that it's exactly what I did. I needed to be away, to have time to think. It hurt, I'm not going to lie. With everything we have between us to find out that you were mooning over Ardyn of all fucking people. Which isn't fair.

I'm glad there's someone out there you care about like that. And, I mean, shit's fucked up with him, I know that much, but the guy I talked to in that dream seemed like he wanted to do the right thing at least. So maybe he's okay, maybe he'll stop being so scared of getting hurt again that he can trust you. I don't know. Things are so much more complicated here but I trust you. If he was what I thought then you'd never care for him.

I'll always support you. No matter what. Even when you don't want me to and don't want me around I'll always be there for you. I'm not gonna pretend I'll sit back and let him hurt you but I'm not going to just fly off the handle. Again.

Fuck I've got a great track record so far, huh?

I guess I just have one request. Don't keep me in the dark? It's been so long, so goddamn long, since you trusted me with the big things, the important things. Which is my fault, I know that. If I kept my head and I didn't react so badly then you'd be able to just tell me things and not have it all blow up like this. I'm sorry. I thought I was doing better.

I guess I just thought I was because I'd been alone for so long. Which sounds pathetic and like I'm looking for pity or something. I'm not. We both had things to do, things that were important. Even if neither one of us could really understand where the other was coming from.

Right. You don't know about any of that and I can't ask you to be honest with me if I'm not willing to do the same so. Here it goes.

The reason we drifted apart wasn't just because you were on a mission and wouldn't hear a word against your tomb raiding. And it wasn't because Prompto and I kept fighting. It's because I couldn't deal. I spent so long looking at the future in this limited time frame of just however long it takes before I die for Noct that I'd never really let myself see anything else. Then suddenly Noct wasn't there. And it wasn't a week or a month or even a year. It just kept going and going and I finally kinda sat back and had a think on what if. What if my future wasn't already determined? What if I could do something about it?

What would I even WANT?

And I came up with one answer, no matter what the future brought, no matter what scenarios I could dream up it all came back to one thing. You. By my side, always. Until the end of days. When darkness swallowed the world and we had nothing left to keep hoping for I was okay with it. I was content.

Because I had you.

Stupid huh? So many years and I never realized, never really let myself acknowledge it. I tried. After that, I tried. To do things for you, to help, to make things a little easier. Shit I stole you away and cooked you dinner once. But it always came back to the work, to Duty. And when I asked if, maybe we hadn't earned a little time to ourselves, and that maybe running ourselves into the ground wasn't going to save any more people any faster...

Well you can imagine how well that went. Explosive argument and accusations and knowing why you did what you did now it makes more sense. But it hurt. Being near you after that hurt. I couldn't just go back to pretending that-

Fuck I can't even write it.

I couldn't pretend I wasn't in love with you anymore. In the end that's why we all split up. It was so selfish, I know that. I should have just dealt with it. My stupid feelings don't have any place in what we do. Noct needed us, the people needed us. And now we're here and I'm screwing it all up again.

I'll be better. I promise. I swear it. I don't want to lose you again, not over this. I'll find a way to make sure it doesn't interfere again. Just, please, give me the chance to prove that to you.

I love you too much to let you walk out of my life again.

I'm sorry. I know this is the last thing you need with everything that's been happening here. Please don't shut me out. Let me help, it's the least I can do. You deserve so much more but please let me do that much.

Yours, Always yours.
Gladio

When Ignis had scribbled--and as much as he tries to make it neater, that's all his writing amounts to these days--the one line note and left it with the meal he made for Gladio, he really hadn't expected a response. That's what makes the letter he holds in his hands all the more remarkable.

'When you're ready to talk, come to me.'

It was a desperate offer he made, an outstretched hand. He did want to talk and it was obvious Noctis wanted them to talk as well, but it couldn't happen in the jungle as their king had probably hoped. They were both too upset. No, pushed beyond that even. Shut down. Needing space. Needing time.

If Gladio was this torn up over realizing the truth depth of feeling between Ardyn and Ignis, then Ignis was just as torn up by the realization that there was a proper name for the feelings he'd had for Gladio all these years and just pushed away because of duty.

Duty. Ignis almost hisses when he thinks the word, fingers tightening on the letter causing it to crinkle. He forces his fingers to relax before the letter rips. The last thing he wants to do right now is damage such an intimate view into his best friend's feelings for him.

Ignis sighs and lets his head drop against the rock at his back. Not that far away, the waves of the sea rush up over the sand. Perched at the very top of the rock, Rory ruffles her feathers before falling still. Ignis had not even finished the first paragraph of Gladio's letter before knowing he needed to be away from the cottage. His friend's voice was so strong and so pained even in just those few lines it made the need to hug him and hold him close almost unbearable, and yet that was the last thing Ignis knew the Shield needed. If he had been ready for that, he would have come to Ignis in person instead of leaving him the letter.

The letter. It had taken him so long to finish reading it. Not because of the tears in his eyes, naturally, but because his fingers would start shaking so badly, he'd miss the braille as it scrolled across the gem on his bracelet and then have to start the line again. Several times he'd had to literally put the letter aside--weighted down by the worn shell he'd gotten from Luna so long ago when they first arrived on the island--and walk away to get his emotions somewhat back under control.

It never worked for long. Not that it should have when Gladio was baring so much of himself to him.

After finally finishing the letter, Ignis isn't sure what to do next. The way things were going, he honestly expected to feel numb right now, but he's pretty sure he hit emotionally overloaded a while back, slid right into numb and then back out again leaving him where he currently is--awash in emotion he can do nothing to control.

He has to respond; he knows that much. There is no way he can allow this foolish notion of Gladio's to continue. What kind of person would he be if he expected his best friend to hide so much of himself? He's doesn't want Gladio to 'be better;' he wants him to be himself! And then there is their Astrals Forsaken Duty. The duty that has taken so much from them and left them with what? A king sacrificed like a lamb to the slaughter. A world left in chaos and ruin. Hearts that are missing more pieces than they still have. All because the Astrals had to hide their mistake. All because Bahamut just had to be the perfect savior.

His hand curls into a fist and he drives it into the sand next to him. How different would things have been if he and Gladio had felt they could have things beyond their duty back then? How different would Ignis himself had been if he'd been able to see the world as he sees it now after being on the island for so long?

Love. Love and doing his duty to Noctis. He can have both. It doesn't have to be one or the other.

One or the other or the other even since his heart cries out for more then one person. Perhaps, it is making up for lost time. Ignis honestly has no clue. It seems of all the things he knows, the thing he knows the least is his own heart.

Shaking the sand from his glove, Ignis slides his hand into his pocket and pulls out his communication crystal, turning it over and running his fingers over it. He's honestly not sure how he will react to hearing Gladio's voice right now, but it's the only way he has to communicate with the Shield considering face-to-face is out. There is no way he will be able to write a letter to match the one Gladio left him.

Ignis takes a deep breath, squeezing the stone tightly in his hand as he does, and then raises it to his ear, activating a private conversation to Gladio.

"Gladio, please. I...need you."

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LifeAfter Inbox

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5/30 - a letter for Iggy

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