shatteredlenses | LifeAfter Inbox

Gladio sighs heavily, breath wavering as he collapses back down on the stack of wood he's been using as a bench. "Oh thank gods." An exhale more than words and then he's quiet for a long moment. Iggy read it. There was confirmation of that, at least.

"You don't..." Is that really what he wants to say? He's not sure what he should say, what will make this easiest for Ignis. "... have to say anything, Iggy." And there's the resignation he was expecting, soft and defeated.

"I'm fine. I mean... I'll be fine." He has to be, there's nothing else to do.

"Don't you dare lie to me now, Gladiolus Amicitia!" There is a soft thud as Ignis' hand meets the sand at his side again, "Don't you dare hide behind those bloody walls and then act like I don't know exactly what you're doing. Not when I've bloody perfected that technique myself!"

Ignis pauses then to take a deep breath and calm himself. They've just started and he's angry. He doesn't want to be angry at Gladio. Anger won't get them anywhere.

"Perhaps I don't need to say anything in your opinion," when Ignis continues, his voice is much calmer and softer, "but that doesn't mean I feel the same way. You've opened yourself up so much. How do you expect me to not respond in kind? We're friends. Partners. We've done so much together. If I don't share my side with you now, what is to keep what happened at home from happening here? I can't let that happen, Gladio. I won't."

He sucks in a breath, a sharp inhale that Ignis will hear, startled by the vehemence of his insistence. He was angry, of course he was, it was no different than what had happened back home. Somehow Gladio hadn't quite been prepared for it, though and he could feel the prickling burn in his eyes already.

But Ignis continues, and the softer tone only makes it worse. He speaks and Gladio moves to the other side of his shed, lays out on the bed with the crystal nestled near his head. A think breath, a faint sniffle.

"You don't owe me anything Ignis... I don't want to stop speaking to you or seeing you but I don't expect you to tell me your secrets either. That's not... why I wrote it."

There's a soft sigh from Ignis' end before he answers, "Oh, lovely petal, this isn't about owing each other anything. Don't you understand I want to tell you all of this? I told you when we got here there was so much we needed to talk about, but I was afraid, so afraid."

Ignis lets his right eye fall closed and there is a soft ruffling sound as he runs a hand through his hair, "Talking to Noct gave me enough courage to face talking to you, but then you got hurt and then you found out somehow and everything went to hell."

He still has no idea how Gladio found out, but honestly, it doesn't really matter. He did.

"Standing in the jungle that night, I don't know that I've ever felt more afraid. Not even in Altissia. Not just because Noct gave me hope maybe we could sort this all out, but because I realized right then that you hating me meant I was losing everything just when I realized I could have it and still do my duty."

"I'm tired of giving up love for duty. Do you understand?"

"I'd never ask you to give it up and I could never hate you, Iggy." The endearment is noticed, the sound of Ignis' voice, soft and maybe even affectionate quietly tumbled over in his mind and filed away to ease inevitable future anxieties.

"You're not losing anything. I'm not asking you to. I swear. We've all given up enough for our duties. Especially here, you should be happy while you can." He understands, thinks he understands. That Ignis would give up his chance at happiness outside their duty to Noct just because Gladio was mad at him left his mind reeling. There was no reason for that. None at all. Of course he would never ask that of him.

He wasn't losing anything and Gladio would make sure of that.

Even though Gladio can't see it, a soft, sad smile crosses Ignis' face, "You really don't understand what I'm trying to say, do you? You've let yourself become so resigned to the loss than you can't even imagine my answer being something different."

There's a rustling as Ignis pulls his posture straighter against the rock. He bites his lip gently and then makes a decision. No turning back now.

"Gladio, I'm not talking about my feelings for Ardyn. I'm talking about my feelings for you. I love you, but I feel like you're not even going to give me a chance to do that because you're so afraid of what will happen. Please, I need you to stop hiding that behind this mantra of 'I'll do better.' I don't want you to do better. I'm so confused right now--matters of the heart are new to me--but I do know what I want. I want this. We've both waited so long."

A soft exhalation and he's quiet for a long, long moment after that. He'd resigned himself to the fact that Ignis would never share his feelings so long ago, so many years of trying to forget the hold he had on his heart.

It's enough to have his head spinning, breath coming in soft, unsteady gasps without him even realizing it. Stuttered and aborted little sounds on every other breath. Words and sentences he doesn't know the end of all fumbling to spill off his lips at once.

Finally, a moment of silence, the click of him swallowing hard when his mouth is bone dry.

"I don't... understand." It's hard to force the words out and even when he does they're faint and almost afraid. "You don't- You've never...?"

"Lovely Petal, I've been trained since I was a child to hide my innermost feelings in little boxes. To lock them away and seal them up behind walls. My training in that field was even more extensive than yours because it had to be. Of course, you didn't notice anything."

His head bows slightly, fingers tightening around the stone, "I knew back even when we were teens that there was something more than just being friends between us, but duty was always there in the way. I couldn't let those feelings distract me. Not when Noct was so dependent on me, but Altissia shook my control. All those walls shattered. All the boxes spilled open. I was such a mess; I still am now, but as I've been fighting to right everything once more, I've realized something I never had a chance to back home. I learned it's okay to want more than just my duty. I'm not trading one for the other. I don't know if I can explain how freeing it was to learn that and then to feel love for the first time. Without that first time, I would never have been able to realize the true name of those feelings I felt for you."

"I tried-" And he has to stop before he even starts lest he break down crying already. "I tried to tell you that... That living didn't mean abandoning Noctis."

An unsteady laugh that gives away how close he is to tears more than any pauses or gasps could. "Pretty sure that's what made you hate me the most."

He didn't say it in the letter, he's never said it out loud but he was convinced for a long time that Ignis did, in fact, hate him. It wasn't just anger or disagreement there but for them to have been so close and for Ignis to throw all of it away...

Another hiccup, another gasp. "All I wanted was just- to be able to- hold you." And he can't stop himself from crying anymore. The very idea that Ignis might even accept his feelings, never mind return them is just so overwhelming.

"I'm sorry, Gladio. I'm so sorry. I have such a thick skull when it comes to Noctis," Ignis wraps his free arm around his waist, pulling his legs up to his chest as he does. It's tearing him apart to hear Gladio this upset and to know he caused it. Astrals, what he wouldn't give to be able to take it all back!

"I should never have kept that stupid vision to myself. I know why I did, but it's clear doing so didn't save anyone any pain. Another failure on my part. I did...so much wrong," his fingers tighten against his side as insecurity washes over him. It's hard to bite it back, even though he knows he should be focusing on Gladio's pain right now.

"I know you have no reason to believe me since I'm not him, but I don't think he could have hated you. He was just blind, in more ways than one. So much about life just passed him by and he thought it was okay in those few moments when he realized it was happening. Duty was enough."

It's not enough. It's not.

"Do...do you want to hold me now?" Ignis swallows hard, starting to lose the battle against his own tears. When he'd come out here, the ocean waves had been calming, but now they just remind him how large the sea is and how small he is. Small, flawed--so terribly flawed--alone, afraid.

Being safe in Gladio's arms sounds like the most wonderful thing in the world right now.

"Ig..." Soft and thick with tears but more sure than anything else has been in this whole conversation.

"I'm pretty sure holding you has been the only thing I've wanted for myself since I was 14." There's a soft, self deprecating laugh in there but more than anything his voice is full of a longing he hasn't allowed himself to express for most of his life.

"I wanted to believe it was enough, that duty was all we needed. I couldn't... I couldn't be so close to you and not be able to touch you. I thought, after all this time. Back here I could just ignore it again but I couldn't. That's why it's all a mess. I'm sorry, Iggy." Crying harder now, his voice failing him for a moment, not quite a sob but something close to it.

"I'm sorry."

Fourteen. Astrals, how much time they've wasted! Ignis knew it was a lot, but...and even more then for Gladio because of those 10 long years between when he is from and when the Shield is from.

Ignis unwraps his arm from his waist to bat the tears away from his own eyes even as Gladio can do no more than let his fall, "Shh... Please. Stop saying you're sorry. You're only human, and just as flawed as I am. We have to stop trying to be so perfect all the time before it destroys us."

Of course, he knows that's easier said than done. Perhaps that is why he pulls himself to his feet, tucks the letter and the shell into his pocket and then sends Rory back off to the cottage with a soft command. The firebird seems a little reluctant, but he's been training her since the incident with Gladio and the shower. She's less hair trigger now, though she still makes it clear, before she flies back to the cottage, that she doesn't really wish to leave her human alone when he's so upset.

Well, he's not going to be alone for long. Ignis just doesn't have anyway to tell her that.

Though it really doesn't take long to make it to the shack Gladio's been holing himself up in, the time that passes still seems too long. Ignis barely bothers to knock before sliding inside, ending their call by dropping the stone into his pocket and following the sound of Gladio's sniffling and unsteady breathing to him. Long legs fold underneath him and then he's holding his arms out.

"I'm here."

How does he explain that while Ignis was learning how to hide his emotions Gladio was training for that exact eventuality. Being so perfect -perfect, not hardly- and eventually being destroyed by it was kind of exactly what he was bred for. He sighs softly, not realizing yet that Ignis is even moving.

"I don't think I was meant to survive long enough for it to destroy me, Igs." Sure he's younger than his dad was when he died but they were relatively safe for a long time. And... really he's not that much younger. What 15, 20 years? Gods what did that say about him that he didn't remember how old his father had been.

But then he's sitting up abruptly because the door to the shack is open and Ignis is there? Here? With him and-

"Iggy..." A soft breath and then he's dropping to his knees in front of the bed, taking one hand, gently at first as though he can't quite believe this is really happening. Then his fingers tighten around Ignis' wrist and he all but yanks him forward, spilling back over his heels to lean against the bed and dragging Ignis forward on top of him. It hurts, the sudden weight of the other man on him when he's still so wounded, but it doesn't matter. None of it matters because Ignis is here with him and more than that he wants to be with him when he'd been so certain he'd never want to see him again.

Arms wrap tight around him and Gladio buries his face against his neck, a sharp sob of relief escaping the Shield. This was all he wanted, this moment. All he's ever wanted.

The part of Ignis' mind that is always multitasking makes a note of that self-deprecating statement. They are going to need to talk about it and the way hearing Gladio being so resigned to death just tears his heart out. Not that he can blame the Shield for the way he was raised--the way they both were really, Ignis just to a lesser degree--but that doesn't mean he is going to let that way of thinking continue. Not when he's found life so much brighter now that he's been able to break himself free of some of the worst parts of their childhood training.

That is a discussion for another day, though, as it and all thoughts of the many things they need to still need to talk about today, fly out of Ignis' mind the moment Gladio yanks him into his arms. A warning to be careful of his wound rises in Ignis' throat, but it never makes it to his mouth. How can he say anything in the face of that relieved sounding sob?

Astrals, is it really even possible for him to heal such a deep pain? One that made Gladio so certain that Ignis would want nothing to do with him once he learned his true feelings? Well, perhaps all his practice trying to do the impossible with Ardyn will benefit he and Gladio in ways he never imagined it could.

A soft, comforting hum slides from his lips as he frees his arms so he can wind both hands into Gladio's hair. Carefully, he starts to rock them, giving the Shield all the time he needs to accept and calm down.

It doesn't really take all that long for him to collect himself. He sniffles and the shoulder of Ignis' shirt is damp and hot from tears he can't quite stop but he isn't as much of a wreck as he expected to be. How can he be when he has Ignis in his arms and those beautiful hands in his hair.

He actually chuckles a little, letting one hand move away from Ignis' back and up to tug the tie from his hair, letting the ponytail down to frame his face, yet more hair for Ignis to thread his fingers through. Gladio presses his face into Iggy's shoulder, sways with him for a few breaths, tips his head up to bump against the other man's jaw like some sort of giant cat looking for pettings.

"I was so sure I was gonna lose you." Soft and so afraid. A slight shift like he might kiss Ignis' cheek, breath warm on his skin before he turns back to his shoulder and presses his face in again. He doesn't want to push too much, go too far. He'll take only what Ignis offers and he will be perfectly content with that. More than content. Elated.

A contented warmth floods through Ignis as he hears that chuckle and feels the hair that falls down over his hands. He runs the strands through his fingers wishing he had thought to remove his gloves so he could feel the slide against bare skin, but he can't bear to pull his hands free right then, so the gloves remain, even as the amusing thought that both of their hair could really use some TLC crosses his mind. Right, that's not going to happen anytime soon. They are both too frugal to use favors on such silly things as hair care products.

For some reason, though, that doesn't stop Ignis from spending a moment imagining how silky Gladio's hair would feel running through his fingers if they did.

"I know. It appears I'm a lot more stubborn than anyone gives me credit for," Ignis smiles softly and then reluctantly removes his hands from Gladio's hair so that he can use them to coax the Shield's head away from his shoulder. His thumbs stroke gently over Gladio's cheeks before he leans in to press a gentle kiss to his lips, pulling back only slightly so he can whisper, "Don't hide from me."

Gladio has been using coconut oil in his hair to keep it conditioned and smooth, especially with how harsh the blended sea water was on it. If he didn't he'd never be able keep it untangled. Ignis might be surprised by how easily his fingers move through his hair. There's actually the scapula of one of his kills in here drying out so he can carve a comb from it.

He doesn't resist in the slightest when Ignis moves to draw his head up, lets his friend guide him wherever he wants. A soft hum of contentment at the touch and then Ignis kisses him and a soft sound catches in his throat, something caught between a whimper and a laugh. All his breath escapes and he blinks slowly at the other man, too close, too hard to focus, and he just lets his eyes slip closed again.

"I won't." A soft assurance, even if it might take some time for him to remember that all the time. "I-" Hesitant for a moment and then he huffs a soft laugh against Ignis' lips, brings his own hand up to cup his jaw and carefully, uncertainly, presses in for another kiss.

Coconut oil? Isn't that just for cooking? Gladio may want to enlighten Ignis to its other uses sometime, just not right at this time. Right now, all he wants to do is drown in the kiss and be proud of the fact that Gladio was brave enough to kiss him even if he was unsure. Ignis' hands fall away from the Shield's face and hair, so he can spread them over the man's chest and eventually let them settle linked against his back.

Breaking the kiss has to come whether he wants it to or not, and so soon Ignis does, pulling away with a content sigh and a smile, "Hey there. Feeling better or do we need to do that again just to make sure?"

Shortly, it will strike Ignis he should make sure his weight against Gladio isn't aggravating his wound, but for now such logical concerns hold very little interest for him.

He's not in the most comfortable position but it doesn't matter. Nothing matters but Ignis' weight against him, the taste of him still on his lips, that soft tease when they part. He laughs, strained and choked with tears of relief, presses his forehead to Ignis' and just basks in this moment, this seemingly impossible moment.

"I love you." His words are thick and rough and punctuated with a brush of lips against his cheek. But once he allows himself to voice it. Say what's been in his heart, desperate to be expressed for so, so long. He can't stop saying it. Repeating the words like a prayer.

No more "be better" just this, soft kisses over his cheeks, his brow, his lips and nose and jaw, everywhere, each with another "I love you."

Ignis intends to allow the soft kisses and 'I love yous' to continue as long as Gladio needs to get it get out of his system--he's got almost 10 years to make up for, after all--but one thing proves to be his undoing...

That blasted scruff!

After a while, it starts tickling and he can't quite hold back the giggles that start rising in his throat, "Enough, Gladio, enough! That tickles! If you don't stop, I'm liable to topple us over laughing and that will be no good for your wound."

It's not just a laugh but giggles, something carefree and unburdened and it makes Gladio laugh as well, soft and amused, rolling in his chest. He shifts his focus from kisses to rubbing his jaw against Ignis, grinning and intentionally letting his beard scrape over delicate skin. It tickles, Ignis is right that if they fall over it's going to hurt.

None of that means a damned thing when he can make Ignis laugh like that, though.

Ignis makes the most undignified sound--which he will never admit to later--when Gladio changes tactics, doing his best to curl into the man's chest so he can protect his face and neck from the assault. It will also, hopefully anyway, keep them from toppling over should Gladio continue despite it all.

"Blast it, Gladiolus, stop! I will be most cross with you if you reopen your wound after all this!"

Thank you very much, he's had enough of your blood on his hands to last him a lifetime at this point.

He lets Ignis curl into him, lets him hide, but he does laugh, loud and rich and deep. He laughs hard enough that it makes his belly hurt and he ends up pressing a hand to his side as he tries to stop but he can't because if he stops laughing he'll start crying again.

Slowly the laughter subsides and he's all but crushing Ignis against his chest, breathing unsteadily from both pain and emotion.

One last breathless, desperate, "I love you."

It's easy for Ignis to give into staying curled into Gladio's chest for a while, just listening to his laughter and hiding away from all the troubles that wait for them just outside this embrace, but eventually he does uncurl himself, sitting up straight and cradling Gladio's face in his hands.

"I know and I love you. I'm so sorry you had to wait this long to say it," he leans forward to press a gentle kiss to the Shield's lips and then settles back again. "Now, be honest with me please. Are you hurting? Will you let me heal you?"

He still can't heal the wound completely, but his power should at least take away the sting of straining it.

Gladio almost takes that light kiss and presses into it, chases after more like he's certain Ignis will come to his senses any moment now. But he breathes out, slow and grounding, smiles softly with a little exhale that accompanies the twitch of lips, wry and familiar.

"Okay... okay but... come up here with me first, yeah? Then you can heal me up a bit." He leans back, patting the bed behind him, nudging Ignis away just enough that they can get up off the ground.

He doesn't lay out on the bed though, he sits with his back against the corner where the bed frame is tucked in against the wall, one leg raised, the other hanging off the bed to give Iggy access to the wound... and plenty of room to come curl up in his lap a little more comfortably.

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